Hello my dears!
Aunty M is back after her stint at that nice Priory place to take on more of your problems; because you obviously can't handle them by yourself. Just look at you.
Today I have a parchment from a brave young hero who is missing a piece of his heart. Perhaps he should try looking for it in one of those wooden chests he likes to raid so much:
Dear Aunty M,
I’m a young hero in a far off land who, ever since I was a
boy, has been tasked with saving our kingdom countless times (well, fourteen).
Apparently I have the power of the Triforce, but I only ever wield it in the
name of our fair princess. Seriously, she’s the fairest princess ever. If you
took every princess that has ever lived in every kingdom, and put them all
together, they still wouldn’t be as fair. The prettiest maidens in all the land
would weep with envy at her beauty. A thousand lit candles in a room of
polished shields would look dim when faced with her smile. Her eyes are…
She’s hot, okay?
The problem is that she’s so contrary in her affections. Sometimes
she just sends me on a quest and barely looks at me, but other times she’ll
party with me when we’ve saved the kingdom. She even dressed up as a dude to
help me out once; you don’t do that unless you really like someone. One time,
she was a pirate and we sailed off to create a new kingdom
together! Oh, and she totally held my hand this one time, only for some reason I
was an engineer.
She just gets inside my head; sometimes literally. I’m so
confused. Her ancestor and name-sake couldn’t get enough of me!
L, Hyrule.
Wait, you’re confused? Oh, my poor dear. She was a pirate and you
searched for a kingdom? You were an engineer? You were childhood friends? You
snogged her great, great grandmother? In your full letter you detailed all of
your adventures involving this princess, and I have to ask - are you permanently
high? None of it seemed to connect up in any way, and I suspect there are some ‘interesting’
mushrooms in your nearby forest that you’ve been consuming for quite some time.
Anyway, maybe she loves you, maybe she doesn’t care; it
doesn’t matter. She’s a princess in a feudal kingdom – she’ll be married off to
some second cousin in a neighbouring realm for political purposes, no matter
how many times you save her or your home. You can kiss her royal arse goodbye.
I’m sure you’re thinking, ‘But true love always finds a way!’
because you’re sixteen and know nothing of the world. Well, take it from Aunty
M – who’s had more true loves that you’ve had declarations that you’re the
chosen one – this notion is a poisoned chalice. I’m sure you must know what one
of those is.
Need proof? Well, here are some historical examples of ways
true love has tried to work around a political marriage:
- Catherine Howard is one of history’s most famous adulterers, and was executed for having an affair with Henry VIII’s favourite male courtier Thomas Culpeper. Everyone knows Catherine was beheaded, but take a wild guess who else ended up on the chopping block?
 |
| Beheaded. |
- Princess Caroline Mathilde married Christian VII of Denmark and became queen. She and Johann Friedrich Struensee - her husband’s physician – fell in love through their mutual passion for the Enlightenment movement and had a child together. They even managed to drag Denmark kicking and screaming into the enlightenment until they were brought down by a coup. Struensee was beheaded at a public execution.
 |
| Beheaded. |
- The Tour de Nesle Affair involved Louis X and Charles IV of France. Their wives had affairs with Gautier and Philippe d'Aunay, both of whom were Norman knights. The two women were sentenced to life imprisonment, but guess what happened to Gautier and Phillipe? No, they weren’t beheaded – they were castrated. Oh, and either hung, drawn and quartered or flayed alive, then broken on a wheel and finally hung; the jury’s out on which.
 |
| I don't actually have a picture of these two, but they might have looked a bit like this at some point during their execution. |
Are you noticing a pattern yet? Is this starting to look
like a boss enemy with a really obvious method of defeat? Yes; you may get your
naïve itchy fingers on your princess, but you’ll ultimately get killed in
horrible, horrible ways.
Ask yourself this: is she really that good? Is there
honestly not another girl in the whole land you could love just as much; or
maybe a little less, but with the payoff that you won’t end up being separated
from your vital organs?
You clearly have a lot of issues you need to work through, and
narcotics really aren’t a permanent solution to anything. Trust me. Pop over some time
for a cup of tea and a slice of cake if you need to; just let me know in
advance so I can hide all my priceless Ming vases.
*Ranking based on no actual statistical information
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