After a year on the run, where I survived on a diet of rice-crackers and stagnant water, I've finally found a place where I can reach my beloved characters once again. No matter if your problem is big or small, Aunty M is here to solve it. Or at least poke fun at it.
My first letter is from a young pup called Paul, who's having a few problems back home. Poor love:
Dear Aunty M,Please help! My mother is part of an elite secretive religious group who are trying to breed a super-powerful prescient male; only she disobeyed her orders and had a son instead of a daughter. I am that son and after I started to see visions of the future, my mother realised she might have created the ‘Kwisatz Haderach’ one generation too early. However, I have even greater concerns, if you can believe it.
My father was captured and killed on our new fiefdom, and my mother and I only survived thanks to family friends. We escaped to the desert, where the native people took us in. My mother underwent a dangerous ritual, ‘The Water of Life’, while she was pregnant and when my sister was born, she had the experience and knowledge of several generations of my mother’s people. I can’t deny it’s a little creepy when your baby sister starts lecturing you on birth control. Recently I too took the ‘Water of Life’, which put me in a coma for three weeks, but now my visions are even more lucid; I saw the end of humanity itself and I need to find a way to stop it!
I’ve also fallen in love with a native girl. We had a child together (who sadly passed away), but in order to secure the safety and control of our known universe, I will have to marry the heir to House Corrino. How can I choose between the woman I love and the future of humanity?
Thanks for reading,
Paul, Arrakis
----------------------------------------------------
Well, Paul. It sounds like you have rather a lot on your plate, my dear!
I’m afraid that seeking solace through drugs has been the ruin of many a young man, and when it runs in the family it can be even more difficult to stop. Have you considered contacting Narcotics Anonymous? Accepting you have a problem is half the battle, and your example might inspire your sister. I fear her path could be one of self-destruction if she doesn’t let go of this unwelcome family heritage.
 |
| Sometimes, violence is the answer. Just ask my parole officer. |
Your mother seems to exert a considerable amount of influence over you. Maybe now it’s time to start discovering how you want to run your life? Do you really want to rule a whole universe? Perhaps being made a messiah just isn’t what you wanted; there’s no shame in changing your career choices, and at your age you have plenty of time to figure out what you’re passionate about and retrain. Or go and hide in the desert for a few decades, if that’s your thing.
With regards to your marital dilemma, perhaps you should discuss the situation with the women involved. There have been several precedents in history of marriages of convenience where the spouses take a lover as well. You may be pleasantly surprised to find they’re quite amenable to such an arrangement. I personally have a lovely husband who is very respectable company at the Rotary Club dinners, but when I want a good, rough and sweaty sex session that leaves me unable to walk for an hour afterwards, I must confess that our gardener is far more adept!
I see from your correspondence that you recently lost a child. This will undoubtedly put pressure on the situation as you cope with your loss. To help cushion the blow I’d recommend giving your next son the same name but with a ‘II’ suffix; a bit like you do when a beloved cat dies.
And while you’re at it, perhaps it’s worth trying to convince this son to double-check his visions in case there happens to be a way of saving humanity that doesn’t involve turning into a giant sandworm with a face and destroying any possible credibility for the remainder of the saga.
 |
| An equation of folly... |
Good luck!
Aunty M
* Ranking based on no actual statistical information
No comments:
Post a Comment